This past two months or so-

I've just had such a hard time... Dealing with what I've done... what Drake and I did... and it just feels so weird knowing that He just seems like He's letting me go... I went to where Drake's house was and collected a small cache' of money he'd hidden there and I've been living off of that for the past two months... I'm sorry I haven't posted... I just feel so overwhelmed at times and just look at my blog and don't know what to say...

As for what happened exactly... I... I did something... and... it allowed Drake to fully share my body... and... then with his help, and the power of the Athame, which had been fused with his soul when he killed himself with it... we were able to kill all of those proxies... The Athame had fused itself to Drake because it seems like its one goal was to hurt and harm Him and His minions...

Today I finally got the energy together to post partially with help from Ze Frank's "A Show".

 

Today wasn't as broken as others, and I was able to pull myself together well enough to finally post something... I hope you all are still out there and fighting, and surviving...

Bernard Laguardia

Coming back soon...

It's all over... I'm done... I... I can't believe what I've done... Sso muchdeath.

...

But it was worth it... and now it's over... 'He' will never come after me again... not after He's seen what I've done to His minions...

Braen... I tore to shreds... there is nothing left of him... but I did it slowly... he deserved every second of pain and misery that he experienced...

Alder I left hanging from a tree... I turned the whole tree black with the bile and filth inside of him...

N|LL I didn't make suffer... he had only done what he did out of grief... I broke his neck and it was over...

The Narrator... I left for last... his story is over, and I wanted him to know that... to see it coming, and I know that it would end with me. I wrote on the wall of his library with his corpse "No story is planned. All things happen out of the hands of those involved. Nothing ends as set forth. See this man as an example." and left his corpse draped over the main table...

But... it's over now...

I've said my goodbyes to Drake... and now he's gone...

For those who care... the last words Drake said to his sister were "I'll be with you soon enough... but I still have something I have to do..."

I'm going to try and contact Drake's friends at Defenders Against Slenders... and see if they'd want me to post on their blog... if so I'll make a post about it and link so you all will know where I am.

Bernard Laguardia

Oh and @DJ Atomika In response to your comment on that last post of mine: If you really want to know what happened I can explain... just let me know if you do.

This will be the end.

How classically tragic.

NULL dies by Drake's hand...

Then N|LL conspires to have me kill my own sister...

And thus take his own life...

Then seemingly by devine retribution...

A loved one of Drake's is given the power...

To kill him, and all involved parties...

Braen, Alder, and N|LL have all fallen...

Only one more remains...

Narrator, your story is coming to an end...

Make your peace...

-... .-.. --- --- -..

I wear their blood, a blanket to keep me warm

I listen to their screams, a lullaby to help me sleep

I sleep soundly

Two voices in my head

Revenge

Ravaged

Kill

Cry

Slice

Sleep

Empty

Entirely

Drake and I are now one, brought together by the Athame...

Every proxy that has brought woe into our lives shall suffer...

All will end...

Though I don't wish to kill anyone, this is necessary...

Hell shall be wrought upon you...

First shall be Braen...

To DJ Atomika, and my plans for today

Dear Diary~


Okay I looked at what you found and from checking it out for myself, it looks like you left out a letter or two. I find "Ascend to" in the first paragraph and "Ascendancy" in the second one. Do with that what you will. I don't have the time to try and figure out what it means in my current situation.


Okay so I'm just gonna cut out all the extra info and just let you know what the general plan for today is. I'm going to head out in about ah hour and The Voice will be leading me as best as it can down the Pathfinder. Wish me luck everyone. I have a good feeling about this.


OH! And I saw The Narrator's new post... it feels good to screw up his plans. http://thisstoryis.blogspot.com/2012/03/panic.html


Bernard Laguardia

To DJ Atomika, and I think I've found where I need to go.

Dear Diary~


I have been seeing your comments, and thank you for taking note of the words in my posts, honestly I never remember to check for them myself. I really do appreciate the help.


Okay so the past few days I've been exploring Bartlesville to see if I can find anything that can help me... or really anything at all... but so far I haven't found anything, BUT I think I know where I may be able to find something... The Pathfinder. It's a trail that runs through a forest in Bartlesville. The Voice agrees with me, so I'm going to check it out tomorrow, and hopefully I can find something that can help me.


Bernard Laguardia

I've found nothing...

Dear Diary~


I can't find anything... The Voice is trying to help me, but we can't find anything of importance... it feels like I'm close to something I need... but I don't know... It's strange...


I'm going to take a walk tomorrow...


Bernard Laguardia

We're in Bartlesville, Oklahoma

Dear Diary~


Yesterday was just like Friday, nothing happened... I'm seriously getting freaked out by the lack of activity... have they just forgotten about me?


Well... we're here... I'm going to be staying in Drake's house and looking around to see if I can find anything... if something comes up I'll let you all know...


Bernard Laguardia

Asheville, North Carolina

Dear Diary~


That's how far I've made it so far... so... I should be there around... sunday.


Nothing happened on the drive today... seriously... the lack of activity is making me nervous...


I feel like they're planning something big... and it's making me scared...


But The Voice is telling me not to be afraid...


So yeah...


Bernard Laguardia

I'm leaving the mansion I have a direction

Dear Diary~


The Voice and I have been discussing what our next plan of action should actually be, and we decided to head back to Oklahoma... obviously what's happening to me has something to do with Drake, so we're going to go to his house and see if there's anything there for us.


It feels good to have direction again... I'm leaving later today. I'm sorry I didn't stay longer... but I have to do something, I can't just sit around and do nothing any longer... something must be done...


I can feel a pull, and I'm following it as best I can.


Bernard Laguardia

Still here, sorry for lack of posting or replying...

Dear Diary~


In response to DJ Atomika's comment: I'm not really lost anywhere... I just feel really lost, sorry for any worry I may have caused...


I'm still at the mansion... though I may have to leave soon... The voice has come back several times since the last time I heard it... It's told me who it is, but I'd rather not talk about it that much. Apparently it thinks that I shouldn't mention who/ what it is, because it'll keep me relatively safe...


the reason I might need to leave is that The Voice wants me to do something for it... and honestly because I know what has happened, I'm more than willing to help it... I know there's safety in numbers, but I do feel that this is something I need to help with...


Also, I've noticed the silence on the side of the proxies... and honestly... it's worrying... I mean... I may not like seeing their posts, but it feels good to know they're out there, and not plotting something in secret...


The Voice has been helping me with me with my schizophrenia and is helping me keep it in check... at least for now... also right now I'm on the down swing of my schizophrenia, so for a little while I should be okay, though when it starts to become more active my posts might seem a little... off... like when I put in "lost" in my last post, I don't really remember changing the text colors to make the message... so yeah, I'll probably do that kind of stuff from time to time.


That's all for now... if you have any questions just let me know...


Bernard Laguardia

Dear Diary~


... I'm sorry for not updating everyone...


I've just felt so drained recently...


The voice hasn't come back yet...


but from time to time I feel like someone is there...


but it doesn't scare me...


I'm just a little nervous...


I'll be fine....


Don't worry about me...


Bernard Laguardia

Replies and Minor Update

Dear Diary~


@DJ Atomika I'm doing my best... it's kind of hard at times, but it helps having people that I know are going through the same thing as me...
@Ember Fay The only downside to this situation, is I don't have a real direction yet... I mean what am I supposed to do? Surviving doesn't feel like enough of a direction... I need a goal... I'll work on that though.
@S373n I am my own person, I know this to be true, so your words don't scare me, but... eh... I suppose I like riddles.
@TheAdvocate Oh really? Care to share?


I've been doing okay, just haven't felt any need to update because nothing has happened with me. I mean... I think nothing has happened... it's hard to tell sometimes if what I hear or see is real... Eh... I'm pretty sure I'm fine right now.


Bernard Laguardia

A drawing to show how I'm feeling right now...

Dear Diary~

I decided to draw some vent art because I was so upset... so here it is...

Yes I added the symbol that The Narrator said was for me to the shadow on purpose. Even in this house I feel watched at times... and I know that a part of it probably isn't even just paranoia... and god how I miss Drake... I've been crying all day...

Bernard Laguardia

To DJ Atomika, My Symptoms, and Brood (MASC)

Dear Diary~


I read Braen's post, and your comment. Believe me, that... thing isn't me. I'm crazy, but as far as I know, I don't have a split personality, especially not one that's capable of destroying my home. Here are the... symptoms I have so far:


Auditory Hallucinations (though I'm not sure if the voice I heard on Monday/ Sunday was real or not... I'm normally not a violent person... so I don't believe it was really me. But I do hear other voices, and those I'm pretty sure are not real.)


Paranoia (beyond a reasonable amount)


Insomnia


Visual Hallucinations? (I'm still not entirely sure if these... ghosts are real or not.)


Even though I'm not on my meds anymore, I'm doing my best to keep my thoughts in order and look at everything I experience objectively and try and understand if what I'm experiencing is real or not.


Also, it's strange... the situation in this house... I've been talking to Brood a bit since I've been here... as far as I understand, Brood is the person in charge of the group of people from some organization called MASC... Brood doesn't like divulging much to me, though Brood sure seems eager to know more about me and why I've shown up here...


Bernard Laguardia

My Absence

I would be there slitting your throat right now but for some reason my lord doesn't want me to...

so for the time being I'll just sit back and watch... but know, I will be close and watching.

~ - ~ -   ~ ~ ~   - ~ -   - ~ -   - - ~   - ~ ~ -   ~


BRAEN

A Voice in My Head

Dear Diary~


I'm doing alright everyone, a lot better than I had been, but something happened today that I thought I should mention...


Earlier today I was sitting my room on my computer when I heard someone say. "Are you willing to kill?" I was stunned. I just sat there for a second, waiting to see if it'd speak again, not wanting to answer really. A minute later it spoke up again "Are you willing to kill?" it asked once again. I very quietly spoke out. "If it means killing those people responsible for Drake's death... then yes..." I felt a cold chill go down my spine... and it was silent again... the voice seemed really familiar to me... I have a feeling who it might have been... but... if it's who I think it is... then I have a few questions for that person if they come back again...


Bernard Laguardia

Feeling a little better...

Dear Diary~


It helps being surrounded by people who are in the same situation as me... I've briefly talked to them about Drake and Ecko... and what happened to them...


Early today I decided to draw Raz being stalked by Slendy to see if it made me feel better... it didn't...

I've also been able to sleep pretty well recently... I feel a lot more at peace... just sad more than anything... I learn that one of the few people that I love is murdered, my house is destroyed, and an eldritch (I really love that word.) horror is trying to fucking kill me... but again... at least I'm not alone...

Bernard Laguardia

Arrived

Dear Diary~


I got to the town and Shady met me at a restaurant yesterday. On the way to the Haven, she filled me in on the current situation... She feels pretty trustworthy... When we got there... I felt like I'd been there before... I swear I knew the complete layout of the mansion... I mean... it was weird... I was drawn to a certain room... they let me know once I had chosen it that it was the room that Drake and Ecko had been staying in... and I felt that weight on my shoulders come back... Are you there Drake? ... Someone named Brood talked to me... I felt like he was interrogating me... though he did seem like he was trying to be nice... But... I feel much safer here... I don't feel eyes... In this room... I'm finally alone... I was finally able to sleep well last night...


Bernard Laguardia

Very Close, Very Very Near

Dear Diary~


Norristown, Pennsylvania. DJ Atomika I am almost there I know I can make it. Many eyes though, all around me, like needles in my back, and I don't know if they are there... and if they are... I don't know if I can go to the people in New Jersey... in my (wa(l)king) dream I saw a ruined abbey... a bloody baptism... two becoming one... one living off the other... like a leech... I must focus... I'm very close...


Bernard Laguardia

Further closer coming

Dear Diary~


Almost there. I'm in Somerset, Pennsylvania. I'm so scared... dark long fingers reaching for me... I feel surrounded... They're always watching me... He's there everytime I turn around. HE SEES ME.............. The Hanged Man, The Tower, Death. No... it's happened already... The Fool Inverted, The Lovers Inverted, The Sun Inverted, The Magic Weapon, Haven vs. Wilderness, Black Red Violet, Four Six, Crescent Moon, Valley, Mist, Forest


Bernard Laguardia

Update

Dear Diary~


I've run out of medication... I'm not going back... they did contact me and I'vebeen trying to work my way east for awhile now... I've made it to Akron, Ohio... if my posts start getting... strange... just know that I know where I'm going, but... my mind might get a little muddled... hopefully I can get there and at least be around friends while my mind practically rapes itself...


Before I'm tooout of it to talk about this, I want to officially let everyone know exactly what's... wrong with me... I'm Schizoaffective, and pretty severely so... the meds I was taking didn't really stop all of the effects, just help me keep my thoughts in order...


I'm glad to see that I did some serious damage to Braen before... haven't seen him at all recently... which is good I guess. I just don't like having the lull in activity... makemsenevrous...


I'll try and post every day or two and let you all know how I'm doing.


Bernard Laguardia


Oh and welcome DJ Atomika.